A good friend of mine is going on a coffee date Saturday and is freaking out. Not because of any normal nerves but over her coffee choice.

She drinks lattes and apparently that is the coffee of choice for promiscuous gals. Who knew? So naturally she is worrying about sending out the wrong message.

Nerves aside I’m a big fan of the coffee date. If it is a disaster you can get the hell out of there in 10 minutes.

Dinner is a minimum commitment of an hour and that is a bloody long time. Especially if you have someone called Sam opposite who always introduces herself with; “My name is Sam, I like cats.”

After Sam spoke about her cats for an hour she ordered an affogato. I reckon over the years I have sat opposite every type of coffee drinker possible.

And I think that qualifies me to give you crib notes on who you might be dealing with when it comes time to order a cup of the good stuff. So below I present my very unscientific guide to coffee drinkers.

Long Black – A very serious coffee for a very serious person. Think Agent Gibbs from NCIS.

Flat White – Drunk by the painfully boring. Be prepared to have a conversation about cardboard boxes.

Short Mac – A quick and buzzing professional who doesn’t have the extra 30 seconds for milk. Probably won’t have the time for you either.

Long Mac – Attractiveness summed up in a coffee and incredibly funny.

Espresso – Drunk by someone who would rather read a newspaper than jump on an iPhone while waiting.

Affogato – Dessert and coffee in one equals possible spilt personality.

Ristretto – A very nasty bitter person will order one of these. Or an Italian nanna.

Cappuccino – Warning! You might think with all that chocolate on top that means sweetness but nothing could be further from the truth.

Latte – Screams promiscuity. Add soy milk for some good old-fashioned 70s free love.

For the record I drink long macs but WA style. East Coasters might know them as double shot lattes. I’ll let you decide what that means.